


for lovers who hesitate

by eatsung



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Arguing, Awkwardness, First Kiss, Kissing, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Miscommunication, No Smut, Overthinking, Park Jisung (NCT) has ADHD, Sleepovers, hickeys !!!! teehee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27714446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatsung/pseuds/eatsung
Summary: he really needs to remind himself that he’s not the bad guy in this situation. he has no idea why sungchan is acting like this – hell, even after over a week of speculating and guessing, he still doesn’t understand what happened.(Jisung pays Sungchan a visit at 8 PM because Jisung does not, in fact, think. And then some.)
Relationships: Jung Sungchan/Park Jisung
Comments: 26
Kudos: 87





	1. My mind is easy to read / You can read through it as well

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoy x
> 
> oh and title from the song by jannabi <3<3 loml

jisung doesn’t know what he’s doing, never does, but the rain is cold, biting, late autumn almost having turned into early winter, so there’s no way he’s turning around – besides, he’s made up his mind. he might be impulsive but at least he’s determined. 

he doesn’t quite know what he should be expecting; it’s not like sungchan had payed him a lot of notice the past few days. _an entire week_ , jisung’s mind gladly offers. nine days, when you wanna count the days it got awkward.

with a sniff, eyes barely open due to the heavy rain pouring down straight down his head (yes, he should’ve brought a hat. no, he didn’t think about it.), jisung nears sungchan’s house.

 _no turning back_ , he reminds himself.

the small glimmer of hope that it’d be sungchan opening the door to him is shattered when, instead, his older brother is towering in front of him. jisung bites back a winter, sniffing once again.

jaehyun jung gives him a once-over. “can i help you?”

his voice is lower than sungchan’s and jisung wonders how old he must be. sungchan’s only fleetingly mentioned his brother coming home for a while and jisung remembers thinking how cute he looked, excitedly rambling about how they were gonna play video games together and–

“ _yes_ ,” jisung speaks, lips numb from the cold. he presses them together. “i’m here for sungchan.” and then, even if he knows: “he lives here, right?”

jaehyun eyes him, obviously skeptical and jisung adds, despite being well aware of it being almost eight p.m., “it’s for a school project.”

he tries to smile, because he’s pretty when he smiles, but judging by jaehyun’s still pretty uninterested, albeit slightly confused expression, jisung’s supposed prettiness is either not at all affecting him, or the younger’s face actually froze in the icy weather, probably making his smile look more like a pained grimace.

jaehyun, who resembles a less lanky, more tired sungchan, steps aside with a shrug, making it a point to not come in contract with jisung’s fully drenched self.

“i’ll… get him for you,” the continues while jisung wipes his face with the inside of his now shedded jacket, scrunching it up in his (admittedly, slightly too long) hair, to soak up most of the water still drizzling down his neck and on the floor. jisung thanks whatever entities there are that it’s not carpet – he’s not good with carpet.

he faintly notes jaehyun walking up what sounds like a big flight of stairs – sungchan’s house is huge. jisung didn’t know he was rich. yet again, he wouldn’t know how to spot the difference between actual designer clothes and ones that are fake anyway.

more light stepping above him – muted voices, that sound like someone is yelling, but trying to keep it down. he can’t make anything out. the house is simply to big. jisung snorts when he thinks how, from his room, he can hear his downstairs neighbor use the bathroom fairly easily. he wonders what sungchan would think of his home.

the voices upstairs die down and then there’s again, this time louder, so jisung fully prepares for sungchan to appear, so he deliberately runs a hand through his hair – jisung is confident he’s pretty and he’s confident sungchan agrees with him.

the look jaehyun gives him is slightly more interested than before, but jisung doubts that it has anything to do with him looking like a beach model (or like a wet towel, he still hasn’t gotten a chance to take a proper look at himself), and more with whatever caused one someone upstairs to get heated. _what caused_ sungchan _to get heated_ , he thinks, because that really just doesn’t take a lot of deduction, but what it is exactly, is truly beyond him.

he drops his arms with a disappointed sigh. jaehyun’s expression has turned almost humorous and jisung wonder if this is directed more towards him or towards his brother.

“he told me to tell you he’s sick, but it’s raining buckets out there, so i told him i’d ask you to stay for dinner unless he came to at least give to something dry to wear.” jaehyun shrugs at jisung’s shocked expression. _this_ really wasn’t what he’d been expecting.

before either of them can say anything else, they’re interrupted by someone stomping – actually stomping – down the stairs, a red-cheeked sungchan appearing in the doorway.

jisung smiles – can’t even help himself this time, but sungchan doesn’t look like he’s in a very smiley mood, which makes it even _harder_ not to just burst into laughter.

“ _christ_ ,” the taller mumbles and jisung sees jaehyun’s look go back and forward between them, this time seemingly genuinely interested. “you coming or not?”

the brunette gestures in the general direction of where he’d just appeared from and jisung takes him in for an instant, suddenly feeling a type of nervousness that he presumes had been buried deep under excitement and even giddiness on his way here.

 _shit_ , he’s nervous. his smile fades and he almost looks to jaehyun for help, but then nods quickly, eyes finding the floor as he walks past sungchan, the older hovering behind him, silent.

jisung doesn’t like walking in front of people, especially not in their own houses, so when they reach the steps and he instinctively halts, he doesn’t expect sungchan to just slide around him with ease. although, he guesses, sungchan knows him a little bit.

their friendship hadn’t started blossoming until only about three weeks ago, when jisung had finally gathered all his courage to compliment sungchan on one of his sketches he always left on their shared table in french glass (” _ton dessin est tellement cool._ ”) and the other had drawn him a warped little guy showing a piece sign who looked a little bit like himself, which made it even more endearing to jisung.

walking up doesn’t take long, but jisung feels himself getting lost in thought as he takes in his surrounding. without sungchan’s glare on him, he feels a little less anxious immediately, but his prior nervousness hasn’t faded in the slightest. since when had he been someone to initiate anything? sungchan had always been the one giving him little drawings and who’s eventually asked for his number. his number that was now blocked but, you know, still.

sungchan had been the one asking if jisung wanted to go see a movie and who’d taken jisung to that science fair he’d been dying to go to. in _his_ car. upon _his_ request, since jisung would never think to ask anything of anyone, according to sungchan.

“ _so?_ ” the older snaps the moment they arrive in his room – jisung doesn’t get to look around much, only spots a few posters of indie movies jisung is yet to watch, some sketches scattered around the bed and the big desk in the right corner of the room, because before he can even get out as much as an acknowledging hum, sungchan’s already spun around and started staring at him.

“what the hell do you want from me?”

sungchan isn’t the one to curse, at least not like jisung, and he blushes whenever jisung says as much as fuck, which makes jisung say it more.

“feeling a little blasphemous, are we?” jisung already regrets his words before they’re even fully out and he curses himself for having no brain to mouth filter once more.

sungchan blinks, although he only now realized what he’d said that caused jisung to joke like that.

he sighs and looks away for a moment. jisung feels bad now. sungchan is self-conscious about his beliefs, even if there’s nothing wrong with being faithful. jisung envies him, he’s even told the other that before. (“ _i wish i had something that could give me strength like that, i really do. i think it’s beautiful to see a purpose in life._ ”) sungchan had simply smiled and changed the topic.

“whatever. jaehyun said you’re here for school stuff, which was obviously not very well thought-out on your part.” sungchan’s angry expression turns into an accusing one and jisung shrugs unapologetically.

he really needs to remind himself that he’s not the bad guy in this situation. he has no idea why sungchan is acting like this – hell, even after over a week of speculating and guessing, he still doesn’t understand what happened.

jisung is impulsive, yes, but he’s also very reflected. if he thought he’d said something unintentionally hurtful, he would’ve apologized. he’s not a bad person.

“i don’t care,” he retorts nonchalantly. sungchan huffs out a laugh that’s everything but actually amused. “great that you don’t. what are you doing here?”

his tone is dismissive and jisung feels a little hurt at how much sungchan actually doesn’t want him there. he shrugs again, despite knowing. the older rolls his eyes, before they drop down to jisung’s exposed arms.

“why would you– _gah!_ “ he groans loudly before turning away to a wardrobe, rummaging through it for a moment and then throwing what seems to be a sweater in jisung’s direction. the strength behind it doesn’t go unnoticed, but the younger decides against cracking another joke.

sungchan glares at him. “put that on. i’m not giving you any pants, i don’t care if you freeze to–”

he stops and jisung snorts, carelessly slipping the black hoodie on, cringing at how his hair wets the collar, it being cold against his throat instead of warm and cozy.

“c’mon, you can say it. it’s whatever, right?”

he doesn’t bother hiding the resentment in his voice – what on earth is sungchan’s problem? he’d never seen the older _this_ riled up over anything. sungchan was always quiet, in his own world much like jisung. they got each other to come out of their shells and it had been great! jisung doesn’t like being kept in the dark at all, especially when it’s by someone he cares about.

sungchan sighs again, this time defeated. “sorry,” he mumbles and jisung wonders what exactly he’s sorry about.

“whatever,” jisung repeats, wringing his hands together. he really is cold – is there no heating in sungchan’s room or had the rain drenched not only his clothes, but also his bones? maybe he _was_ freezing to death, maybe this was a stupid idea, maybe sungchan was right to–

“jisung,” sungchan speaks, a little gentler, “i’m _sorry_. do you want to blow-dry your hair? i should have a pair of clean sweatpants left.” 

before he can turn around to open his wardrobe once more, jisung is the one to snap. “why don’t you wanna be friends with me anymore?”

he sounds more upset than accusing and he can’t help but to look away in embarrassment. he was meant to sound _pissed_ , not sad.

sungchan is silent for a moment, then sighing again. jisung stares at a green lego, half hidden by the fluffy carpet. a nice carpet. a very comfortable looking carpet. he feels exhausted and he’s cold.

and sad, too. _really_ sad.

“it’s _different_ than that,” sungchan starts, but then stops, and jisung belatedly notices how he’s started shaking like a leaf, and he really doesn’t feel good at all anymore. this is so typical of him. he should’ve just stayed home and not make a fuss about something that was probably his own stupid fault, for not being able to keep friends, because he gets in his head and makes assumptions and it drives people insane and then they leave and–

“ _jisung_ ,” sungchan says again, begging almost, and the younger snaps out of it, looking up into the brunette’s worried eyes. “i’m getting you a blowdryer.” he walks a few steps, halts, gives jisung a concerned look, and continues to push open another door in the room that jisung hadn’t yet noticed, but revealed a bathroom.

jisung hums, bemused, slowly following sungchan. he’s a little unsure of how to behave around him now – like he’d ever been sure of that. being with sungchan is just constant anxiety, but in the way it tricks you into thinking it’s butterflies. or maybe it’s both. jisung doesn’t want to think about that right now, just wants to be warm again.

“sit,” sungchan orders him to sit on the lid of the toilet and jisung does, watching as the older untangles a purple hairdryer from its wire, plugging it into the wall. it starts whirring instantaneously and some of the wind hits sungchan’s face, making his hair fly up a little, revealing his forehead.

maybe it’s definitely butterflies. who cares. it’s never been about that with them, has it? jisung crushes on people easily and then he gets over them and that’s it. he shouldn’t worry too much about that.

he reaches out for the blowdryer, but sungchan just motions for him to lean forward and so he does, closing his eyes has the older lets the warm wind fluff up his blonde strands.

they spend what feels like forever like this, but jisung knows it couldn’t have been more than ten minutes; still, his ears and face are nicely warm now and a sort of drowsiness fills him. his legs are still freezing in his heavy, almost completely soaked jeans, and he almost considers asking sungchan about it, when the other hurriedly disappears before handing (this time far more delicately) jisung a pair of dark blue sweatpants.

“you’re a god,” jisung mumbles, noting how raspy his voice is now. he hadn’t considered the possibility of developing a cold – that would definitely not make this any easier, also considering he still had to get home somehow. geez, he really was an impulsive idiot.

sungchan rolls his eyes, unable to hide a tiny smile. “don’t say stuff like that,” he nags and jisung’s eyes drop down to his lips, pursed into a pout. once he realizes what he’s doing, he quickly turns away, shaking his head, not willing to risk looking up to check if sungchan noticed his stare.

he’s tired, but he’s also still very cold so he goes to stand up, placing the folded sweatpants on the rim of the sink and getting ready to unbuckle his belt, only halting when sungchan yelps and turns around.

“ _jisung!_ ” he huffs out and the younger sighs, immediately getting back to pulling off his trousers.

“relax, i’m wearing underwear,” he chuckles, disbelieving. and he thought he was the prudish one out of his friends.

the taller busies himself by typing something on his phone, only putting it away when jisung tells him he’s done, cautiously turning around. jisung laughs this time, and he feels a lot better in the new pants – they fit pretty nicely, and he snorts when he thinks about how he could never comfortably wear chenle’s pants, the older being both smaller and skinnier than him.

“okay, um,” sungchan starts and jisung immediately feels a little more awake – he’d momentarily forgotten about their fight, just thankful sungchan was taking care of him, but now he was feeling himself get slightly irritated again.

he wants to say something, but decides it’s probably good to let sungchan speak first. if he did something – which he assumes he did – it’s for the best to listen first. he really cares and hurting his friend was never something he wanted to do.

“i’m really sorry for being mean.” sungchan is looking down, clearly avoiding eye contact, and jisung can definitely work with that, so he just takes his soggy pants, putting them on a drying rack in the corner of the room. he hums affirmatively. sungchan stays quiet.

jisung looks at him and the older quickly looks away when he’s been caught. jisung sighs. “listen, it’s okay. it’s clear i did something to piss you off, and coming here probably didn’t help, but just tell me what it was, so i can apologise too.”

he speaks quickly and he tends to mumble his words together, especially when he’s stressed like this, but sungchan seems to have gotten everything, so he just waits.

“well, it’s. it’s not that.” sungchan looks pained and jisung frowns.

“it’s different, yeah, you said that.” he sounds a bit annoyed, but he really can’t help it. is this only important to _him_? is sungchan uncomfortable with him because he takes things too seriously?

sungchan slowly nods, before looking at the ceiling with big eyes. it takes jisung a moment to realize he’s doing it to stop himself from crying, but it only works for a small instant, before the waterworks begin and sungchan buries his face in his hands instead, silently sobbing, his shoulders shaking violently.

jisung doesn’t react immediately, doesn’t know what to do or to say – he just stands and stares, mouth slightly ajar with unspoken words of comfort.

“i’m so pathetic,” the older brings out after a short while, and he wipes over his face, eyes red and watery, and jisung finally gets out of his trance, grabbing some toilet paper and handing it to him. “no, you’re not,” he immediately retorts, brows twisted in determination.

sungchan gives him a look and he is still crying, big tears still rolling down his cheeks like raindrops down a window.

“you don’t have to lie.”

“i’m not.” jisung shrugs and it makes the other smile a bit. “i cry a lot,” he adds. “not everything makes sense, but it doesn’t have to. my mom always says that.”

a bigger smile. “your mom sounds lovely.”

now it’s jisung’s turn to smile. “she was. i love her a lot.”

sungchan’s lips curve downward immediately and he lets out an earth shattering sob, barely fast enough to catch it with the tissue, making jisung’s expression turn into a mixture of smitten and apologetic.

“i didn’t mean to make you cry more! i didn’t realize i didn’t tell you she died before. you don’t have to be sad for me, even if it’s really nice that you are.” he offers a smile, but it does’t have the wanted effect.

sungchan shakes his head. jisung sucks at consoling people, and they haven’t established if they like hugging yet, so he doesn’t just wanna do it.

maybe they should sit down but the only place jisung can think of is sungchan’s bed, and he also doesn’t know how the older would feel about that. he just knows _he_ wouldn’t mind – maybe he should get jaehyun?

“ _i’m so sorry_ ,” sungchan speaks, and his voice is small, and jisung wishes he wouldn’t sound so ashamed. he’s sure he’s cried in front of sungchan before – he wasn’t lying when he said he cries a lot. jisung cries basically every day.

“no, c’mon,” he replies, shaking his head again. it’s actually a surprise he hasn’t started crying too (as of now). he usually can’t bare to see his friends sad, but right now he’s feeling shockingly levelheaded.

he steps closer and reaches out, hesitantly opening his arms. “hug?”

sungchan nods abashedly and jisung’s face breaks into a grin, pulling the older in tightly. sungchan hooks his head over his shoulder, which is cute considering he is somewhat taller, and jisung snakes his arms around his waist, rubbing a bit up and down his back in a soothing motion.

the sobbing dies down quickly and jisung hears sungchan sniff a bit, before he lets go of him. they’re close now – really close, and jisung can feel his fitful breath on his face, see his puffy eyes and red nose.

sungchan is staring at him too, wiping his tissue over his nose before freezing and just – just looking, eyes big and open, lips slightly parted.

biding. cautious. then his eyes shift down to jisung’s lips. stay there. _oh_.

jisung bites his lips, trying his best to regain composure, but then realizes that was probably the wrong thing to do, because sungchan jumps like a scalded cat, taking several steps back.

“uh,” he mutters, shaking his head and sniffing once more, opening his mouth to say more, but no words come out. jisung frowns.

“did you…”

he doesn’t finish the question, feels a bit silly, but judging by sungchan’s expression he knows what he wants to ask.

he shrugs. “maybe?”

jisung raises an eyebrow at him and the older looks at the ceiling again, not because he has to cry but still to gain composure.

“okay. i… yes. yeah.”

he doesn’t look at jisung, probably scared for his reaction, and the other appreciates it. he doesn’t _know_ how he should react. this simply isn’t what he expected.

sungchan thought about kissing him. sungchan thinks about kissing him. sungchan thinks about him like someone he wants to kiss.

jisung’s face is hot. he runs a hand through his hair, feeling a couple strands that are still faintly wet. sungchan thinks about him. sungchan thinks about kissing him. sungchan wants to kiss him.

“okay.” his voice is still a bit hoarse and he’s more speaking to himself than to the other, but he still feels a pair of eyes on him before even fully uttering the word. their eyes meet.

“is that why you avoided me?”

sungchan’s lip quivers a bit. he shrugs, helpless. then, “i guess so.”

jisung nods. okay. “okay,” he says. because it is. it makes sense, he thinks.

“are you mad at me?” they’ve still not stopped looking at one another and jisung has always thought it was pretty adorable how sungchan tends to look frightened when he’s concentrated on something. sungchan is _always_ pretty adorable, he concludes.

“i’m not mad at you.”

the brunette sighs, in relief, nodding to himself. “i see,” he muses. “that’s good.”

the silence is deafening, but jisung is almost too in thought to notice. what does this mean? how does _he_ feel? if he content with this revelation? he finds, he is quite happy with it. he doesn’t know if he like-likes sungchan – jisung’s always had trouble telling the difference between an actual crush and what he deems the soul-crushing infatuation with a fleeting hyperfixation – one of many.

“will you say something else?” sungchan then asks. he is still staring at jisung, but the younger hadn’t realized how much he’d drifted off again. he’s _really_ tired. he chews on the inside of his cheek.

he huffs out a disbelieving laugh before he can stop himself. this isn’t the outcome he’d expected. had he been oblivious? or was sungchan just good at hiding?

“do you like me?” he asks, feeling giddy about it. his cheeks are warm. okay, he is definitely thrilled. someone _likes_ him and that someone is sungchan, _sungchan_ who draws cute scribbles for him, and who lets him talk about his favourite animes as much as he wants to and who likes doing aegyo and who doesn’t think it’s weird when jisung hums whenever it’s silent and who only has sufjan stevens songs on his ipod which is why he always looks depressed when he’s coming to school, only to smile really big when he sees jisung and–

“a lot.” sungchan cringes at his own words. “i’m sorry.”

jisung smiles. “don’t say that.” he steps forward, considering. sungchan is so cute. and pretty. jisung’s always had a soft spot for pretty people. and he’s dorky. likes art and reading and is super good at french. they match pretty well.

(jisung sucks at french.)

he takes two more steps. sungchan’s eyes are on him, but it barely registers. he’s still thinking – he’s never dated before, isn’t sure if sungchan would want to date. has _he_ ever had a significant other? jisung should ask. he chews on his lip, eyes looking through sungchan’s face rather than at it. his brain goes through every single possible consequence of what he is about to do, evaluating if it’s worth it or not, but like always, he knows he’ll do it anyways.

he shifts his focus, now completely taking sungchan in once more, his big eyes, how they stare at him like a deer in headlights.

lifting a hand, jisung looks up to the other’s caramel hair, carefully taking a strand of it between his thumb and pointer finger. he can feel sungchan’s eyes on him, notes how he’s completely silent, not even breathing.

the blonde smiles sweetly. “would you like to kiss me, sungchan-ah?”

he meant to sound teasing, to get a laugh out the other, maybe an annoyed snort – what he doesn’t expect is the older nodding enthusiastically, brows shooting up in what seems like desperation. doesn’t expect him being the one to take jisung’s face between his hands, capturing his lips in a kiss.

it's chaste; sungchan’s mouth are soft and dry and it’s innocent, despite the soft sigh he lets out against jisung’s lips.

they stay like that for a heartbeat, torsos pressed together, sungchan’s warm, mildly calloused hands on his cheeks, jisung’s one hand still in the air besides their heads. once they part, the older’s eyes are still squeezed shut, his fingers only slightly grazing over jisung’s skin – electric, sending small waves of shock through him.

his lips are tingling – he’s kissed before, has kissed a lot, but this isn’t the numbness induced tickle he’s feeling, the one he gets from having kissed too much.

jisung is not very tired anymore and sungchan is the most beautiful boy in the entire world.

(whoever said impulsivity was something bad?)

jisung closes in again, this time him being the one to initiate, and sungchan sighs once more. the younger buries his hands in sungchan’s hair, pulling slightly at the strands as their lips slide together, full and firm, albeit dry.

the taller jerks a bit, huffing and jisung hurried opens his eyes again, to check if something is wrong, but he only shakes his head, eyes still half closed, fingers digging into the fabric of jisung’s (well, sungchan’s) sweatshirt.

“just,“ he sighs, pressing a kiss on jisung’s chin, “just my knees.”

jisung doesn’t get immediately understand, but when he does he laughs, and then laughs more because sungchan is kissing him again, nails scratching at the younger’s shoulders even through the thick material of the shirt, then shakingly brushing his neck, never stopping, lips meeting the corner of his mouth in tiny, gentle pecks.

“you like me so much,” jisung whispers _because his knees gave out when jisung kissed him_ , and sungchan nods so harshly jisung fears he might get a brain concussion, so instead he kisses him back again.

jisung has poor sense of time, but he’s sure this once time is actually standing still for the rest of the world, too.

sungchan’s brain is nothing – jisung is all there is, all there’s been for a while, and he’s so convinced he’s actually dreaming, threatening to wake up every second now. which also means there’s no time to waste.

he turns his head a bit to the right, not because he has any clue what he’s doing, but because it seems right.

jisung’s laughter has died down at his persistence, and sungchan doesn’t have it in him to stop, not until jisung tells him to.

sungchan freezes a bit when he feels something wet against his lips, but opens them quickly once he regains a bit of composure – before losing it all again. jisung kisses like it’s all he’s ever done, and maybe that’s just sungchan’s perception, because he’s so ridiculously unkissed that he wouldn’t know the difference between a good and a bad kiss, or maybe it’s because he’s so weak, melting like butter under the sun. hell, he’s almost fallen simply because jisung’s lips were too much.

his tight grip in the younger’s sweatshirt loosens naturally, all his concentration going towards kissing. being kissed. god, it’s so hard to form a coherent thought, when that’s his forte usually. (not when it comes to jisung, his brain complies. never when it comes to jisung.)

jisung’s tongue is sweet and gentle and not too demanding, and sungchan hums gently when it caresses his lower lip like it’s the most precious thing it’s ever tasted in its entire existence. jisung’s breath is hot and slow, and sungchan doesn’t think he’s ever witnessed the younger so collected and so utterly in control of himself, of the situation and, frankly, of him.

when jisung retracts his tongue after a short while, sungchan’s can’t help but follow, and a slight hum of delight is what lets the older know that this is what the other had aimed for – he licks into his mouth, jisung’s lips parted expectantly.

it’s surprisingly easy, kissing. or maybe he’s just not that good, but he’s not receiving complaints, so he’s just going with the flow, which is what he presumes the best thing to do in such a situation.

his hands are still not part of his focus, but he’s decided to gently lay them on jisung’s narrow hips, just thumbing mindlessly at the bunched of fabric of his sweater.

jisung’s hands wander from his hand to his neck and back, always soft, always encouraging. he slightly scratches at his scalp and it feels so good – sungchan likes people playing with his hair, likes when jisung does it the most.

jisung is everywhere and sungchan really doesn’t want to stop, but he can’t breathe, needs air and they part once more, the older taking a deep breathe immediately, and then another, another, another.

“sungchan! sungchan, _fuck_ , are you having a panic attack?!”

sungchan’s eyes widen in shock and, _yes_ , he is hyperventilating a little it seems, and he bends down with furrowed brows. jisung kneels down on the cold bathroom floor quickly, worried expression painting his face – his beautiful face, lynx eyes and now swollen, pink-kissed lips and maybe it’s alright.

sungchan laughs despite still breathing heavily and he, too, sits down on the floor. “fucking hell,” he says, for once not really caring about his language.

jisung sighs in relief once he realizes the older is, in fact, okay. he runs a hand through his hair, laughing exasperatedly.

“ _jerk_ ,” he laughs, zero malice behind it. his smile is so genuine and sungchan’s doubt, his slight regret and all that anxiety that was mainly masked by his desperation, and that threatened to spill out as soon as he’d pulled away from the kiss, disappearing completely.

“you kissed me,” sungchan speaks after a moment of just staring at each other and jisung snorts, shifting from his knees to sit on his butt as well.

“after you kissed _me_ first. you _like_ me.”

it takes the brunette a moment to understand the younger is flirting, with the way he lifts his brow and cocks his head up, leaning back on his hands.

sungchan opens his mouth, then realizes he doesn’t have a funny reply to that. it’s just true and now it’s at jisung to retort something to that.

the blonde smiles sweetly. “i happen to like you back by the way.”

something in his eyes shows sungchan that there’s more to it, but that’s just jisung, he figures. jisung doesn’t know what he’s doing a lot, or so he thinks, but sungchan trusts him to trust his gut feeling.

and if jisung’s gut feeling told him to ask sungchan to kiss, that must be worth something, shouldn’t it?

(it was.)


	2. Then, when night comes / We will carve our own secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “persimmon. also cinnamon i think.” the words are mumbled into his shirt and sungchan wishes he could climb into jisung’s hair and live there for eternity, always breathing persimmon and cinnamon and rain and jisung. “it’s nice,” he says and jisung gently bites his shoulder as a thank you.

it’s not awkward necessarily.

they’re quiet, sungchan due to the restless pounding in his chest, and jisung, who is smiling idly, toying with the hem of his sleeve, looks like he’s deep in thought for what seems to be the billionth time in the past hour.

he does that a lot, disappearing into a world filled with his own thoughts and worries, and sungchan does his best not to let him vanish fully, but at least right now he looks pleased, unlike those other times.

he is quite beautiful, sungchan thinks and once again has to stop himself from gasping at the realization that they’d just _kissed_ , that jisung’s wonderful lips had found his and that he’d been allowed to taste him on his tongue.

what a cheesy thing to think, but sungchan has never been in love before, so he guesses it’s okay.

the blonde’s fingers are still mindlessly fiddling around with the fabric of sungchan’s sweatshirt, short nails, and those raw-bitten cuticles sungchan wished he could kiss away.

yes, jisung is the most beautiful boy in the world, he thinks.

he wants to speak, say something, ask him to kiss again, but they stay like this for what feels like an eternity, the younger too far away on the bathroom floor, the linoleum growing warm under the brunette’s hands.

it’s the ringing of a bell that zaps them out of it or more jisung since sungchan is very well aware of the situation, and the other boy flinches cutely, always so easily startled.

sungchan frowns, confused. despite it being a friday evening, he didn’t expect anyone, not really being one for spending his free time with his friends, not that he’s got many.

yet, who knows. he didn’t expect jisung either but here they were. maybe jaehyun had invited someone over.

now that the younger wasn’t so deeply distracted by his own brain, sungchan could feel his eyes on him, heavy and inspecting, but he refused to look away from the door, pretending to wait for someone to barge in.

he should say something. shouldn’t he say something? now it was definitely getting awkward, the tension so thick he felt unable to move.

he jumps when his phone vibrates in his back pocket, loud against the bathroom floor.

**jaehyun hyung**

ordered take out.

ask your friend if he wants to eat with us

sungchan cleared his throat, biting away a smile before turning to jisung, who was already eyeing him curiously, expectantly.

“would you like to have dinner with us?”

on the walk downstairs, sungchan feels like an idiot; there are not many occurrences when he doesn’t, not when he’s with jisung, but the way he stumbles over his own feet – _twice_ – is definitely something he’ll be thinking about for the rest of the night.

jisung doesn’t notice or pretends not to. did sungchan mention he is in love with him?

he wants to take the blonde’s hand, wants to gently squeeze it, but despite willing every fiber of his body to do the first move again, he just can’t, the beating of his heart ringing loudly in his ears.

too much adrenaline for one day.

“your house is pretty,” jisung speaks quietly as they walk alongside each other, sungchan always one step ahead, which doesn’t make the handholding any easier.

the taller smiles as a response, holding onto the railing of the stairs so he can turn around without falling.

jisung pulls up the hood of the sweatshirt before they walk into the kitchen, looking around timidly, albeit trying to keep up his good boy smile. oh right. he is _shy_. sungchan nearly forgot.

“i got italian,” jaehyun speaks with his back to them as they enter the big kitchen, gesturing the knife he is holding into the direction of the dinner table, before resuming to cut what seems to be herbs.

there’s two pizza cartons, three drinks, and what seems to be some sort of pasta, still unpacked and sungchan gives his brother a tight-lipped smile, even if he can’t see it.

jaehyun’s always been the absolute best at everything – at being a cook, a son, and a brother, but if being a wingman is part of his strengths is yet to be revealed.

before sungchan could open his mouth and thank the older, he felt a tug at his shirt, turning around to see jisung look at him with big eyes.

“are you sure it’s okay if i stick around? i can go, i feel bad for intruding,” he whispers but sungchan is already shaking his head before he’s even done speaking, lips twisting into a gentle smile.

maybe he feels a little more secure like this, in a more social setting, even if it’s just his own older brother. jisung proved himself to be more collected when they were alone, but the blonde’s always kind of a nervous wreck when it comes to group interactions. sungchan feels bad for how his heart calms down while jisung’s pulse seems to spike, judging by how red his cheeks are.

“you’re not going out there by yourself,” jaehyun says before sungchan can reply, and they both wince in surprise, not expecting the oldest to have heard jisung’s worries. “it’s still raining cats and dogs. if you’re done with your, uh, _schoolwork_ , i can drive you home later.”

he turns around, leaning his back against the kitchen counter, knowing smile on his lips. he crosses his arms. “or, you know, you can sleepover. fine by me, as long as your parents allow it.”

jaehyun’s always been able to read sungchan like a book, to the point where the younger was convinced his brother could read minds for a not insignificant part of his childhood.

jisung blushes furiously at that, but he’s unable to hide his smile, sungchan practically melting at the way his gums show whenever he smiles like that.

he exchanges a look with his brother, who looks positively smitten as well, although he was better at hiding it – no one would be able to go unaffected by jisung’s adorableness.

sungchan knows the blonde is confident in his looks, even if it had taken him a while to get there. sungchan doesn’t think of himself as ugly, he knew he was tall and had a nice smile, enough people had told him so, yet he’s always been in the shadow of his older brother.

jaehyun clears his throat, disrupting the uncomfortable silence.

“oh, yeah – yeah, um. that should be fine.” jisung nods, attempting to look less unsure, but the continuous tug on sungchan’s shirt tells the brunette otherwise.

“if that’s okay with you?” he asks, talking even quieter than before. sungchan can’t help but blush – jisung sleeping over, possibly in his bed. he pushes that thought as far down as he is able to.

“sure,” he shrugs, grinning as nonchalantly as possible. it’s evident jisung is as excited about the idea as he is.

dinner is odd – strangely enough, jaehyun and jisung are doing most of the talking, the younger complimenting the jungs’ house again, even if neither of them had any participation in building or decorating it.

jaehyun asks about their school project and sungchan gives him a look, but jisung somehow manages to come up with a pointless story about how they have to write a poem for french class, explaining how he picked sungchan for his team because the older was way better at french than him. the way he explains it actually makes sungchan question whether or not the story is true.

taking a bite of his sweet potato pizza, jaehyun laughs at something jisung said – sungchan hasn’t been paying attention, personally.

he and jaehyun are sitting on one side of the table, jisung across from him. and for the entirety of dinner, jisung’s feet are busying themselves on the older’s legs, keeping an unbothered demeanor while he is secretly playing footsies with the other boy.

sungchan isn’t as calm, silently staring the other down while he’s focusing on not giggling like a lovestruck idiot, and instead scarfing down his pasta.

“you suck really bad, do you know that?”

jisung throws his head back as he laughs, ruffling through his own hair. he does that a lot, sungchan noted during dinner.

“so i’ve been told actually! thank you _so_ much for noticing.” the younger exclaims sarcastically, bouncing on the soles of his feet.

jaehyun had just left, saying he’d go out with some friends, so jisung and sungchan were left to clean up after they’d finished eating.

the warning, but bemused look his brother had given him at the door still didn’t leave sungchan’s mind.

the brunette sighed, finishing off his brother’s lukewarm coke. “be happy i like you.” he can’t help his fond smile when jisung does a little excited jump at that, “otherwise i would’ve kicked you out long ago.”

“oh _please_ , i’m too cute to be left standing in the rain. even your brother agrees.”

it’s true and sungchan nods, an admitting smile on his face. “touché.”

jisung does a spin towards the bin, throwing away a handful of napkins. he’s still grinning to himself, hair hanging deeply into his face. he drums a bit against the refrigerator, humming alongside its gentle buzz.

“do you have ice cream?” his eyes are big when he turns to the taller, who has just been standing there, staring at him, pizza carton in his arm. sungchan snaps out of it, placing it on the kitchen counter, mentally telling himself to throw it out tomorrow, not wanting to walk out into the rain.

he ponders for a moment, doing his best to ignore jisung’s knowing giggle. he’s been caught staring for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. it’s almost half-past ten, that’s how much time has passed already.

“check the freezer, i’m not sure. jaehyun-hyung eat a lot of snacks, so maybe he finished it.”

he washes his hands, shivering as the icy water jet hits his skin, hearing the sound of the freezer compartment being opened, bits of ice hitting the floor.

“ _nice_ ,” he hears and next thing he knows, the freezer doors shut, jisung jumps up and crash-lands against his back, arms snaking underneath the brunette’s, holding up two ice cream sandwiches.

the older chuckles, drying off his hands and turning in the other’s embrace. they’re standing close and sungchan’s eyes wander down to jisung’s lips, the lower one caught in between his teeth.

he’d much rather kiss again than have ice cream, and even if he doesn’t say so, he thinks maybe, just maybe, jisung can read his mind too.

instead of indulging him, the younger presses one of the sandwiches against his chest, the coolness of it trickling through the fabric quickly.

“eat up, doe-eyes.” his smile is bordering on evil and sungchan squints at him, though accepting the treat. who is he to say no to a cute boy giving him ice cream.

the walk up to sungchan’s room is quiet, apart from jisung’s faint giggle and the smacking of the ice cream, and sungchan feels braver now, taking the younger’s free hand on the stairs.

he’s walking a bit further, which caught the brunette by surprise – jisung looked so comfortable, happily chewing his desert, eye crinkling as he looks back, letting the taller boy slip his fingers between his own.

jisung drops back on sungchan’s bed, head plopping against the sheets, carefully licking alongside his sandwich so no melted cream can come in touch with the fabric. sungchan is still standing at the door, slowly closing it, eyes not leaving the other.

“i could go for some fries with this,” the blonde muses, slightly holding up his half-finished sandwich. sungchan’s has almost disappeared entirely, him being a fast eater.

he scoffs. “you’re really odd.”

jisung grins. “and you make _quite_ the excellent detective. now get over here.” he gently pats the bed next to himself, propping himself up onto his elbows.

sungchan lies down on his back as well, legs far enough off the bed so he can securely place his feet on the ground. their heads are around the same level like this, and jisung chuckles gently, chewing on his lower lip before hastily catching a drop of vanilla ice cream with his tongue.

the brunette throws the rest of his sandwich into his mouth, humming gently as he chews and jisung giggles, holding the rest of his one up to the older’s lips.

“open up,” he commands, voice soft, and sungchan lets him feed him. jisung’s laugh should be considered a threat to the general public – that’s how addicting it is.

“you know,” sungchan speaks through a full mouth, careful not to accidentally spit out anything, although he doubts jisung would react in any other way than giggling and/or cooing, “i don’t think i’ve ever seen jaehyun warm up to someone that quickly.”

jisung beams and he turns to the side to face sungchan, folding his slender fingers under his cheek. sungchan shifts his gaze to the ceiling, thoughtfully looking at the abundance of glow-in-the-dark stars there. they’ve been hanging there for as long as he can remember – his dad had hung them up for him, it had taken the whole day. even if sungchan is 19 now, he can’t possibly imagine getting rid of them.

the younger shuffles closer, nose pressing into sungchan’s shoulder, taking in a deep breath. “i like him. your brother. he’s so sweet.” after a long thought, he adds, “almost as sweet as you.”

sungchan smiles, ripping his eyes away from the stars to look at the top of jisung’s head now. he copies him, sticking his nose in between his thick strands of hair, sniffing curiously. he smells faintly of something fruity and the familiar scent of hairdryer air, as well as rain and very much like jisung.

“persimmon. also cinnamon i think.” the words are mumbled into his shirt and sungchan wishes he could climb into jisung’s hair and live there for eternity, always breathing persimmon and cinnamon and rain and jisung. “it’s nice,” he says and jisung gently bites his shoulder as a thank you.

they stay like that for a bit, just listening to the sound of the never-ending rain against the windows and their mingled breaths, smelling one another, unable to grow sick of the other’s scent.

“cuddle me?” jisung’s voice is so soft, so full and soothing and sungchan wishes he would talk more. he nods, and together they climb up the bed, sliding under the blankets.

the blonde sighs as they slot their limbs together – he must’ve been cold, sungchan thinks.

he’s never been a cuddler – he doesn’t hate it, not in the slightest, just doesn’t initiate it. jisung feels nice. he smells nice. his hot breath against sungchan’s throat is nice, and the faint press of his lips is more than just nice.

_that’s not cuddling_ , he wants to tease, but jisung would stop and he’s not stupid, so instead, he closes his eyes, concentrating on the other boy’s lips ghosting over his sensitive skin, then the slight graze of his teeth. the tip of his tongue.

“i’m going to give you a hickey, is that okay?” jisung stops to ask and sungchan can’t talk, just nods, almost furiously, not unlike right before they first kissed.

jisung giggles and then proceeds, gingerly nibbling at the skin of sungchan’s neck, his plush lips soft and warm and his tongue gentle and tender and it feels so incredible, way nicer than sungchan would’ve ever assumed.

pressing a kiss atop the freshly formed bruise, jisung laughs breathily, inspecting his masterpiece. “not bad,” he murmurs, sliding up a bit so they can make eye contact easier, “for my first time.”

sungchan blushes at the choice of wording and jisung’s eyes widen a bit, quickly backtracking.

“i just mean. you know.”

the brunette does know, but the flustered look on the smaller’s face is too cute not to keep him squirm a bit. he stays quiet, just watching the other’s blush deepen into a soft pink hue.

“stop looking at me like that!” jisung hisses, still somehow managing to keep his voice mellow.

“like what?”

the younger shrugs, looking back to where sungchan deems his hickey. “just stop.” he’s pouting and sungchan can’t help himself, breaking into a fit of laughter. they’re both kind of whispering, despite being well aware of how they’re alone.

“you’re pretty,” sungchan speaks. “i can’t _not_ look.”

this brightens jisung’s face up immediately and he looks back up again, licking his lips, gaze flickering between the older’s eyes and his mouth.

before sungchan can do as much as lean forward an inch, jisung grins and hides away in his shirt once more, giggling as he scoots closer.

his words almost get lost in the fabric pressed against his face, but sungchan can still make them out. “i’m so small when i’m with you.” and it’s true. jisung is taller compared to most people sungchan knows, but he’s still not as tall as him. adding to that, jisung has something about him that makes him seem lot smaller than he actually is, how he wears loose-fitting cardigans that go way past his hands, or how he shrinks in size whenever he’s flustered by something, covering his face to hide his blush (and always failing.)

“are you sleepy?” the blonde then asks when sungchan forgets to respond, face reappearing. the taller takes his chance and presses an open-mouthed kiss on jisung’s lips, taking the younger by surprise, a faint gasp escaping him.

sungchan leans back, laughing when jisung’s blush seems to intensify even more.

“oh, so you’re getting bold now, huh?” he jokes, biting his lip as if to decide something for himself.

“worth a try,” sungchan shoots back, barely able to finish his sentence when jisung’s mouth is on him again, somehow still shifting closer on the mattress, arms slinging around sungchan’s neck to pull him tighter.

the blonde sighs into the kiss, giggling a bit when sungchan’s hands fist into his sweatshirt, both to steady himself and to slot their bodies together, as tight as humanly possible, because for some reason the thought of even a single hair fitting in between them is enough to make sungchan feel cold.

he’s a little more confident than the first time, tongue gliding over jisung’s lip, opening his lips for the younger’s tongue, sucking on it gently, coercing yet another gasp out of him.

jisung hums gently when sungchan kisses the corner of his mouth, then his jaw, wandering down to his larynx, pressing gentle but starving, and back up, lips finding each other without any problems.

“how–,” jisung mutters out in between kisses, “how are you so good at this?”

his eyelids flutter a bit and sungchan grins as he softly pushes his teeth into jisung’s skin, only so much, kisses the spot immediately after.

“i’m a fast learner.”

the younger snorts, running his hands through the brunette strands, revealing sungchan’s forehead entirely. “so damn cocky,” he whispers, shaking his head slightly.

his finger wander down from sungchan’s forehead to his eyes, the older still keeping them shut, lashes throwing shadows over his cheeks. he slides his finger down his nose, thumbing along his cheekbone, cupping his face.

sungchan’s lips are still parted slightly and then he feels jisung’s finger pressing against his canine teeth, followed by the softest kiss they’d shared this hole evening, finger still in the corner of the older’s mouth.

once they separate, sungchan’s eyes fly open.

“how about you?” he rasps after collecting himself. jisung is so incredibly gentle when he kisses, and he can be sort of clumsy, but it’s shocking how different he is like this.

the blonde chuckles unexpectedly, eyes crinkling beautifully.

“chenle,” he admits, and it seems to embarrass him, and it is kind of funny.

“ _chenle?_ ” sungchan asks, disbelieving.

jisung nods, his gums showing as he laughs to himself. “the one and only.” he sighs, rubbing circled on the older’s upper arm. “we were bored and decided to make out until it didn’t feel awkward and uncomfortable anymore.”

the brunette snorts, this time him being the one to duck away into the other’s chest. who doesn’t like feeling small? he can’t help his beaming smile when he feels jisung kissing the top of his head.

“well, it worked,” sungchan mumbles. “i really like kissing you.”

“is that so?”

jisung’s tone his teasing and the older buries his head deeper into the fabric of his sweatshirt, nodding slightly.

“a lot. i like it a lot.”

the blonde hums and it’s easy to imagine his facial expression, those tiny dimples appearing next to the corners of his mouth, lips stretched in a way that makes him look like a cute little duckling.

jisung has a lot of facial expressions and sungchan finds that he wants to know them all by heart.

“i like kissing you a lot too,” the younger whispers into the crown of his head. sungchan smiles.

he wonders if jisung is smiling too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand we're done! hope u liked it, i actually had a bit more planned but it felt like a nice spot to end it here :D
> 
> pls leave a review if ud like, i would rly appreciate it!! i know not many people read sungsung but if u liked it it would mean the world to me if u could say so :]
> 
> i really need a gf i am so touch-starved
> 
> also NO sexy time. not even implied. just to make that clear. 
> 
> maybe i should invest in a beta... nvm we die like men

**Author's Note:**

> this took me so loooooong but its also the longest thing I've written in a while so !! yeah I wanted to make this just one chapter but [sighs loudly]. I'm useless so u will be getting another one like. a few days I hope? i don't wanna spoil anything so I wont but yea how did u like this


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